Friday 8 August 2014

Press The Eject And Give Me The Tape. Guardians Of The Galaxy.


To paraphrase Freddy Mercury: 'Godzilla' was never my scene and I don't like 'Guardians Of The Galaxy'.

I didn't dislike it. I thought it was entertaining and I did laugh out loud a few times but I just wasn't blown away by it.

Maybe my expectations were set impossibly high. Try finding a bad review of this online and you'll struggle. Ditto finding someone who doesn't tell you that  "it's awesome!". It currently has the same imdb rating as 'Star Wars' ffs. Marvel can't seem to put a foot wrong with their movies. The trailers promised something special. I went in expecting to love it but left feeling that it was....only so-so. Really 2014, is this the best you have to offer? I did enjoy it....but...here I am a day later and I'm just not bothered by it at all. Not even for review purposes.

Maybe it's just indicative of how accepting audiences are of anything so long as it has a peppering of one liners, a hip soundtrack of forgotten 70s pop, a reliance on CGI battles, irreverent talking animals and lashings of pop culture references. The more I think about it, the more I realise that 'Guardians Of The Galaxy is like the inevitable bastard spawn of Lucasfilm, Disney and Tarantino; the only logical endgame for contemporary cinema.

So, why was I so underwhelmed by it when others are so impressed? I thought it was 'Firefly'/'Serenity'-lite for one thing. It does feel strangely like a TV show for such a mega budget movie. A bit "Farscape: The Movie". For every well rendered CG landscape there's a laughably spray-painted alien character. Does Michael Rooker in blue body paint look truly alien? Does Zoe Saldana painted green really evoke the mystery of far off worlds. No.


Blue One



Green One




 Orange One

Maybe it's that I'm not familiar with the source material. This part of the Marvel canon means nothing to me. It reminds me when Marvel started doing their own Star Wars stories and included six foot tall, green talking rabbits into the mix. 'Guardians of the Galaxy' seems to exist in that universe to me. It's best avoided.

Maybe it's Marvel's insistence on interweaving every aspect of their franchises together through big, lumbering, planet destroying Uber-Villains. They're all the bloody same these guys: pompous, big, po-faced titans sitting on thrones. They have portentous names like Thanos and Ronan. They always sound like brand names for laxatives. I don't care about the orb of blah blah that will open a blah blah to destroy some blah blah somewhere and release a power that mortals won't be able to resist. I don't care how cleverly it ties Marvel strands together. Just. Tell. Me. A .Fucking. Good. Story.

The best sequence in the film for me was the prison break. We had the characters working together as a team, we knew what the goals were and what the stakes were and it was all done with wit and vigour. After that it quickly becomes a repetitive cycle of fights and chases and battles where you're not really sure what's going on or what anyone is trying to achieve. Or I just lost interest. 

It even throws away it's best sci-fi idea - a space port built in the decapitated head of a celestial being - by doing nothing with it visually. Overall there is nothing that surprising in the film. For me, it seemed to lack awe, invention and an aesthetic of it's own. It's clearly a Frankenstein monster created from the parts of other successful franchises. I was expecting that, but I was expecting something more too, something like 'Serenity' which gave me a rush akin to seeing 'Star Wars' for the first time. Instead I got 'Battle Beyond The Stars'; an obvious, fun, enjoyable pastiche - but not wholly satisfying and certainly not deserving of being praised to high heaven.



It has some great comedic moments, but nothing like as many as I had been led to believe. I've said it before but witty one liners are not the same as dialogue and after a while that particular style of American humour just irks me.

The characters are little more than marketable action figures. 

Cocky, laid back, loveable rogue for a captain. Han Solo via Jack Burton. Check.


Token girl. Green skinned alien. Good at fighting. Check.



Insolent rodent with a big gun and attitude. Check.


A talking tree fulfilling the Chewbacca role. Check.


A professional wrestler turned actor. Check



"Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!"

On the plus side I thought it was just goofy enough for me to give it a pass. I liked all the dancing stuff. There should be more dancing in big budget blockbuster movies. There should be more dancing in general.

Overall 'Guardians Of The Galaxy' just wasn't for me. I've no interest in seeing it again. I'm not particularly interested in seeing a sequel, or a prequel or the "lets get all the Marvel characters together in one film" clusterfuck that is surely inevitable in ten years time.  I wouldn't say to you - don't bother. You'll probably enjoy it.  I'm sure the problem is me and I'll get my coat now as the internet turns its wrath upon me.

What I can tell you is that the obligatory post credits scene is worth sitting around for (and not just for the spectacle of grown adults being glared at by the cleaning staff) - it's a good one....and isn't that ultimately how you're supposed to rate the worth of a film in 2014 - as if judging a three course meal on the strength of the after dinner mint.




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