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BVS

Where to start? Where to start?

Let's start with what BVS isn't. BVS isn't just a film about Batman fighting Superman. THAT film would be fun…ludicrous, campy, enjoyable fun. THAT film would be full of laughs and wonders and make you feel like a child again. That film would make you feel stupidly happy.

Zack Snyder's BVS is none of those things. Zack Snyder's BVS is very much a Zack Snyder film: relentless in its dark tone, bludgeoning with its CGI spectacle, concerned with its own importance and obsessed with surface aesthetic. But that was a given; it's not 'Ant-Man'. It opens and closes with funerals; making you feel stupidly happy was never the intention.

'Batman V Superman' is obviously a bad film in many ways but it is no worse than most superhero fodder and a lot better than many of them. To be honest I would take this over the 'Dark Knight' trilogy and 'Man Of Steel'. I wasn't bored for a moment, I thought it was endlessly fascinating and I would readily watch it again. It's not bland, it's always provocative and it defies your expectations. It's difficult to get a hold of because it is simultaneously ambitious and so very stupid. It's leaves you with a deep sense of unease. It is full of poor decisions, bad logic and incoherence but so what? Snyder isn't interested in storytelling, he's interested in speaking directly to your subconscious (notice how many dream sequences there are in this movie - how it's driven by the power of nightmares). He's interested in allegory not narrative and for me the film is better for it. It prods and pokes at your fears, you emotions, your beliefs. It's better than any film called 'Batman V Superman' has any right to be.

I can see why people hate it - there's plenty to hate. It's not feel-good in any way. It's not an emotionally uplifting film and structurally it's very disjointed: an hour setting up some convincing motivation for why they would fight, they fight, then suddenly they stop fighting for the stupidest, most banal reason (although I quite liked the goofiness of it and I "get" what it's trying to do emotionally). And then a monster turns up. And they fight that monster. And then it ends. Sort Of.

The first half is where Zack Snyder crams in all the interesting things he wants to explore, all the things he wants to do. The second half is where he puts in all the things he HAS to do in order to satisfy studio and audience expectations and those expectations are basically now the same as a video game: the heroes must fight through several levels, then meet a big boss monster, then unlock all these other characters as the prize.

The stuff in the first half doesn't pay off with any kind of satisfying resolution and the stuff in the second half is crazy, frenetic Saturday morning cartoon action marred by some poor CGI. You're likely to find one half better than the other and then likely to find stuff to dislike in your chosen half. It feels broken….

 ….but yet…..

 ….I enjoyed every minute of it. I really had a blast with it, even though I expected to hate it. It's still horrible entertainment in many ways: joyless, bludgeoning, aggravating and the darkness is overwhelming but there are so many interesting things going on that it makes it worthwhile. I admire the boldness of its vision and the action scenes are inventive and well executed. It's full of surprises and delivers on comic book spectacle. There are plenty of interesting and weird moments along the way. Mostly it's batshit insane.

BVS is a angry and dumb in the same way that America in 2016 is angry and dumb. That doesn't make it prescient, or profound but it does make it fascinating and timely. The film muses on power and principle. Both heroes have blood on their hands. Both have a problematic "might is right" strength. Both are troubled and troubling. Superman is a broken moral compass burdened by our expectations of him and in many ways he is indifferent to us. Batman unflinchingly uses torture and machine guns to further his vigilante justice. Lex Luther makes them slug it out…for what?...for lols and sadistic glee. It’s a messed up movie for messed up times. You can read plenty into it and you can just enjoy it on a visceral level.

What about the cast? Affleck is good as a deranged Batman and I enjoyed his performance . He does a lot with little more than fifty shades of extremely pissed off. I think Affleck's okay and I don't really get why people beat down on him so much. Henry Cavill is more of a problem for me. There are times when I look at Cavill's face and actually can't understand what emotion he is trying to portray. Academy Award nominated actress Amy Adams has little do as Lois Lane other than get fucked in a bathtub, get pushed off a building and constantly need rescuing. It's an unacceptable way to portray that character in 2016 and doubly shameful because it’s a waste of a great actress. Gal Gadot turns up and smiles and hits stuff and plays her character with real gusto. She seems to understand the character but I found it hard to adjust to her odd accent and she mangles most of her lines. It's not a problem here…but I'm not sure she can anchor a whole movie. Jesse Eisenberg is maddening….but in a good way. I think he's a bit creepy anyway and if you don't like him as an actor then you might not buy into his twitchy, mercurial Lex Luthor but it made sense to me for him to portray that character as some sort of deranged Mark Zuckerberg.

I have real problems with Zack Snyder but this film is good in ways that I never expected. It will be interesting to see where the studio will go next with these characters following the overwhelming negative reaction to the film from critics and fans. The weird thing is….BVS pretty much gives "the fans" everything they wanted to the extent of being a checklist. It delivers on its superhero smack-down premise and crams in loads of other stuff besides. It has striking visuals, it plays around with archetypes and brings them up to date. It's simultaneously realistic and fantastic. It's brutal and contemporary and uses those daft costumed heroes from the 1930s/40s to say something about where we are now. That's what Superman and Batman comics have been doing for the last three decades. That's what's up there on the screen. And now people are shrugging and saying they don't like it.

There's plenty I find repugnant about BVS too. It's suffused with occult imagery if you care to look for it, it's irresponsible to the point of being dangerous and careless with its casual violence - do we really need to see graphic torture photos of Clark's mom for instance? This is a film that wallows in its own filth. But the clues were already there in Nolan's Batman films and in Snyder's entire oeuvre and in 'Deadpool' too. People like their mainstream movies "dark" nowadays in ways that would have seemed impossible even a decade ago. BVS is just the endgame to all that darkness. Except, it's not - 'Suicide Squad' is just around the corner and looks like absolute sewer filth (it's hilarious to learn that the studio is now trying to lighten things up and make it funnier before release). I'm not on a moral crusade (face it- most kids have seen worse on their computer screens), I just think it's interesting that some people think this is a film that crosses the line.

In some ways BVS is redeemed by not trying to hide its nihilism. It's there in every frame. It keeps slapping you in the face with it. But at least it's honest about it. There are plenty more films that people like (without thinking about it) that are far more noxious with their manipulation.

Perhaps "fashionably dark" has become unfashionable again. I don't think that's true and I don't think flippant humour would have helped this film. I think it mostly got the tone right and that surprises me.

I think what's irked people is the muddled content and the emotionally unsatisfying ending and the fact that it holds a mirror up to reflect some uncomfortable truths about what we want from our heroes and from our entertainment.

If anything, its biggest fault lies with the studio trying to do too much, too soon. It's in such a rush to build a universe that it neglects to lay down some basic foundations. Even so, I'd rather it be ambitious and fail, than serve up the boring, predictable, empty entertainment I was expecting.

Not great but nowhere near as bad as the word of mouth would suggest.

A multi million dollar misunderstood film with plenty of memorable moments.

Dead Unfunny.

‘Deadpool’ then.

Like being locked in a room with American frat boys, tanked up on red bull, all screaming for your attention. Sweary boy banter, dull action and ‘Family Guy’ unfunny humour. Mostly jokes that aren’t even jokes at all - just insults or snide phrases instead of punchlines or wit or observation. The sort of film that high fives itself every time someone gets a headshot. Deliberately trying to provoke you - but would buckle immediately if you told it to turn it down. Teenage bullshit. I mentally walked out after ten minutes.

‘Deadpool’ is so self aware tha t it goes to great lengths to point out how clever it is at subverting superhero conventions - whilst slavishly abiding to them. Each excess boringly repetitive. A chewing gum movie. Stretching, stretching on and on long after it has become become tasteless.

Deadpool breaks the fourth wall. Deadpool thrusts his groin at us. Deadpool wanks in secret. Deadpool prattles on and on like the boorish self-satisfied prick that he is.

Deadpool can fuck off

And clearly awful, cheesy, middle of the road music is a thing now in Marvel movies.

Looking forward to twenty years of Deadpool memes

Looking forward to twenty years of people telling me Deadpool is their favourite film.

Truly fucking awful. Immediately gets the number one spot in my list of “Films Everyone Loves But I Really Hate’.

That Star Wars Film

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

It's the same old same old in space. There is an Empire Mark II (now an equal opportunities employer) and a Rebel Alliance and they're still at it. On the plus side....nobody is bothered about the taxation of trade routes anymore.

The Jedi are fucking useless. Alway have been, always will be.

Luke Skywalker is the last Jedi. He's fucking useless too. A whining farm boy, a failed apprentice, a lost brother, a bad friend and the neglectful owner of a droid. Sworn protector of the galaxy, yet he fucks off as soon as things start getting heavy, just like Obi Wan did; just like Yoda. Why anyone is even bothering to try and find him is a real mystery.

The Empire Mark II have a cunning plan: instead of building a weapon as big as a planet for the umpteenth time they are turning a planet into a weapon. It's solar powered, so probably cost effective. This time the bad guys have Lord Voldermort on board only now he's called Snoke (no, really) and he's now about twenty feet high with Gollum's eyes. He's training up some boy from Slytherin called Kylo Ren to be a badass. Ren is prone to hissy fits just like Anakin. He must have Jedi blood.

Thank goodness Hermione Granger is the chosen one this time. Unfortunately she is stuck on a desert planet playing tomb raider with an over emotive Dusty Bin.

How are Han and Leia? Well, it's complicated.....

And that is all I am going to say on the matter....because actually I quite liked it.





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