I went to play Creepy Doll Movie Bingo with new movie 'Annabelle' but failed to get a full house because I made a stupid mistake. Yep, I sort of assumed that a Creepy Doll Movie would at the very least have a creepy doll doing something other than just sitting there looking creepy. Even, if it wasn't going to do a full Chucky on us it should at the very least have swivelled it's eyes, or talked or puked or something. No. Nothing. This has to be one of the most underwhelming horror movies ever theatrically released.
Even if you find inanimate objects scary you will be disappointed.
If you find women with long hair, sewing machines and popcorn scary than you might just find something here to give you a fright. Otherwise forget it.
It's one of those films where you can say that the trailer really is the movie. Everything else is padding. Apart from one scare lifted directly from 'Insidious'.
'Annabelle' is a sort of sister film to 'The Conjuring' and it makes that particular bland, mainstream horror film for people who don't really like horror films look like 'The Shining' in comparison.
Look, I know it's not aimed at me, I'm a jaded horror movie veteran, but it's difficult to see who will enjoy this unless you are a pre-teen who hyperventilates at the sight of the BBFC certificate card. Find any spooky 70s tv movie on Youtube and it will be scarier, better constructed and more involving than this. The trailer for 'The Babadook' that came on before this is actually better than the entirety of 'Annabelle'.
For a moment I thought it was going to have an edge to it. It alludes to the Manson murders and sets you thinking that this is going to have a serious subtext about how America never really recovered from that dark period where the 60s turned into the 70s. But no. It's just window dressing; shorthand period detail. You could, if desperate, find some subtext, something about the fears of motherhood but it's all been done much better before - most obviously 'Rosemary's Baby'. 2014 and we're still being served up Rosemary's Baby rip offs. Thanks.
As a horror fan, you learn to live with stupid characters doing stupid things, but this takes incredulity to a new level. The wife has to go to the bookshop to look up devil worship. Husband bins the demonic doll and like a boomerang it comes back; wife decides to keep it anyway. Husband hears a noise in the night, ignores the phone on his bedside table, fails to phone the police even though the couple have already been victims of violent assault and wanders around the house to investigate by himself. Mother constantly seems to leave baby in dangerous situations. None of the incidental characters points out that not only is the doll really, really creepy but that it's butt ugly to boot.
A major part of the appeal of 'The Conjuring' was that it was based on real events and there is indeed a real 'Annabelle' doll. It looks like this:
A really, quite nice raggedy doll.
Not this:
I mean, who would love this? Who would put this above their child's bed?
The thing is....if you're going to go to all the trouble of making a doll look this creepy you'd think you'd want to showcase it in a better movie. But 'Annabelle' is almost incidental in this dull, tired, bland nonsense. The 'true' story is quite interesting if you can be bothered to look it up. Why not make that that the movie? Why not make a movie where something happens? But then again, I guess why would you, when all you need to do is get some no name actors, a no name director (oh, I'm sorry - he did 'Mortal Kombat') and film just enough good material to make a trailer.
Piss poor straight to DVD crap that somehow got released as a major film in the run up to Halloween. Go and see 'Bride of Chucky' instead.
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