Apocalypse Noah!

And, lo, the day came when The Creator said unto Darren Aronofsky, "Dazza, I want you to tell the story of 'Noah' with Russell Crowe in the lead role and I want you to make it popular so that even the multiplex heathens can understand it, and I want you to direct it. Get to it!"

And, Darren Aronofsky did spit upon his bagel and sayeth unto The Creator, "But God, why hast thou chosen me ?"

And the sky did darken and the voice said,

"Well, I've always been an admirer of your work ever since 'Pi'. That was a great film! Can't say I understood it all, and you lost me with some of that kabbalah stuff, but even so, great film for a first effort.  Great soundtrack too; work with Clint Mansell again - that's a must. 'Requiem For A Dream'. Not a popcorn movie it has to be said, but a near perfect work of art. Easily one of the ten best films of that decade. I'm a big fan of 'Black Swan' too, I like a good psychological horror, me. It's not all been good though has it? I couldn't get into 'The Wrestler' at all. I had to switch that one off after ten minutes. Don't use Mickey Rourke again, whatever you do. But the real reason I chose you Daz is that I saw 'The Fountain' and said to myself - I like the look of this - I like the visual splendour, I like the spirituality of it, I like the big themes, I like the multiple layers and parallel stories, I love the allusions to alchemy and transcendence - but it's all over the place. If only Darren could tell a simple story really well. It would be amazing! That's when I thought of Noah and that's when I thought of you. Also, Michael Bay wasn't available....and JJ Abrams was working on that Star Wars thing...but after them...it was always you. Or James Cameron."

And Darren looked at the ground and wept with the enormity of the task and again he heard the voice, and the voice said: "Think big Darren. Think big".

And Darren lifted his head and said, "But I want to make a Wolverine movie. I didn't get the chance to make the definitive Batman movie, so I just want a shot at making .."

"No!!!!", the voice boomed and shook the heavens, "I have spoken and I say 'Noah - The Movie' shall come to pass!" And then the voice grew softer, more like Alan Partridge and said,"Anyway, Noah is a sort of superhero. This will be your superhero movie."

And Darren trembled and hurled himself into a ball, but when he lifted his head again the sky was empty and Darren was alone.

And then Darren went to the moneylenders and said, "I want to make a big screen version of Noah and I'm going to need a lot of money. An obscene amount of money."

With that, the moneylenders went to their temple for forty days and forty nights. When they returned they said unto him: "Look, we know you're hot property right now after 'Black Swan' and your Oscar nominations and we want to help you Darren we really do, but 'Noah', really? Come on Darren, you're asking us to green light a biblical epic. We can't do that. The public don't want that. They want superhero movies. Why don't you do a Wolverine movie?"

They began to walk away but Darren stopped them at the temple door and pleaded with them, saying, "But Noah is a kind of superhero! He really is"

"Can he fly?"

"What?"

"Can Noah fly?"

"Well, not really but..."

"Does he have claws? Can he climb walls? Does he have a power suit?"

"It's not about that. It's about how heroic he is. How it takes strength to stick to the one task he has been given even though he knows that the end of everything he loves is nigh".

"Sounds like a schmuck. Goodbye"

And with that the temple door was closed.

But Darren did not waver and he beat his fists upon the door until they bled. And he did scream, "I can make it a bit like The Lord Of The Rings!!!"

And the door opened just a little.

"I can have lots of big battles going on! But also, ...I can make it a bit like... 'Titanic'. It's a bit like 'Gravity' ...but... at sea!"

The door opened wider.

"It's got animals in it. Kids love animals. Everyone loves animals!"

No movement.

"I can make the middle bit, a bit like...um...a horror movie. Yeah, I'll make the middle bit...the bit on the boat like a slasher flick. A bit like 'The Shining' at sea."

The door begins to move again.

"I can make the ending a bit like....um ....a bit like 'Planet Of The Apes'....lots of soul searching about the fate of mankind... on a beach."

The door starts to close again.

"I've got Hermione Granger! I've got Percy Jackson!"

And with that the door was blasted off its hinges and the Moneylender did say: "Right, we want all of that....and we want big giant robots in it too. Have you got big giant robots?"

And Darren said, "I've got this bit with fallen angels early on that I suppose I could turn into giant robots. If you're okay with them being giant robots made of rock?"

"Yeah, we can do that. Just make sure they're in it and and hit things a lot. Deal?"

"Deal!"

And with that the moneylenders did give Aronofsky a blank cheque and sent him into the wilderness.

This was when the real work began.

First he went to Russell Crowe and said, "I want you to play Noah. I see him as a burly gladiator type. I think you'd be perfect."

Mr. Crowe stroked his beard and said, "I see him as a drunken poet. Can I play him like that?"

"Well, a bit...maybe near the end. In the middle you've got to play it dark. Become tormented. Become the villain of the piece."

"A bit like Lear?"

"?"

"He's a bit like King Lear, isn't he? A bit like King Lear with a boat. I think I'd make a great King Lear, don't you?"

"Well, yes, I suppose..."

"I want to sing in it."

"I don't think he sings."

"He sings or I'm not in.  I want to sing. I want to read poetry. And I want to be King Lear."

"Okay", sighed Darren, "Noah is a singing poet/gladiator type who descends into madness and becomes a bit of a drunken tramp on a beach."

"Perfect. What accent shall I do?"

"Any of them. All of them. I don't know"

And with that  Russell Crowe was cast as Noah.

But before he left, Mr. Crowe had one final piece of advice for Aronofsky.

"I think my old drinking pal, Anthony Hopkins should be in it. He should be my mentor or something. Someone very wise and very clever. Hopkins is the best there is at that sort of thing. Get Hopkins."

And so Darren went to the visit the estate of Mr Hopkins and found him watching reruns of old cartoons.

"Mr Hopkins?"

"Yes, young man. What do you want?"

"Russell Crowe sent me. He said that he thought you might like to be in my new film 'Noah'"

"Noah", said Hopkins in his golden Welsh voice. "Noah. Noah. Is Russell playing Noah?"

"Yes. Yes he is."

"And who do you have playing Nelly?"

"Nelly?"

"Yes, Nelly. For how can one have Noah without his Nelly. All aboard the skylark! I do so love cartoons from the seventies and eighties don't you?"

"Well, I quite liked the superhero ones.  But I came here to.."

"Which is your favourite?"

"Huh?"

"Cartoon boy! Cartoon! Which of the vast array of colourful cartoon concoctions is your favourite?"

"I quite like the X-men. At one time I was going to do this Wolverine movie but.."

"Did Russell mention King Lear?"

"He did yes"

"I've played Lear many times. It is the prize to which we thespians all aspire. The jewel in the crown. 'Come not between the dragon and his wrath'.  You do know Russell will want to play Noah as King Lear, don't you?"

"Yes"

"Very good he will be too. There is always one part to which we all aspire. There is one part that has eluded even me. I have failed to play him even though I have tried to bring him to the screen many times. I would trade my Lear, my Lecter and my Oscar for a chance to portray the greatest fictional character of all time."

"I don't know who you...?"

"I have two words for you. Two words. I want you to think about them....and I want you to think about what character you might want me to play in this film".

"Okay"

"Those two words are 'Dungeon' and 'Master'."

There was a pause. A long pause. Both men just stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

"Mr. Hopkins. I would like to ask if you would be gracious enough to honour me by joining the cast of 'Noah'. I specifically want you for the part of Dungeon Master."

"Dungeon Master. You mean .... like  the Dungeon Master from the cartoon serial of 'Dungeons and Dragons?'".

"Yes sir, That's exactly what I imagine the wise old sage and learned Methuselah to be like. The Dungeon Master. From the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon."

"Then I accept your invitation.

And with that Anthony Hopkins was cast as The Dungeon Master.

But before he left, Mr Hopkins had one final piece of advice for Aronofsky.

"I think my old drinking pal, Ray Winstone should be in it. He should be a right nasty piece of work. A bit of a hooligan. Bit a gangster. Know what I mean?"

And with that, Ray Winstone was cast as Ray Winstone. In the Sean Bean part.

And Aronofksy did find Hermione Granger and offer her a role. And Aronofsky did find Percy Jackson and offer him a role. And Aronofsky did call in a favour from his old mate Jennifer Connelly and offer her a role.

And when the casting was complete there was much gnashing of teeth, and blowing of hair and showering with rain.

Noah

 Nelly

 Hermione

 Ray

 Percy

 Dungeon Master

And The Creator saw the cast and saw that it was good. And the Moneylenders saw the cast and saw that it was good and the filming began.

And the first part belonged to science fiction and we could have been on Tattooine and the stars burnt bright in the daytime. And it was a bit like 'The Road' and it was a bit like 'Waterworld' without the water  and it was a bit like 'Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone'; which nobody really remembers.

And yes there were giants. Giant rock monsters that moved like Transformers and spoke like Optimus Prime. And it was revealed that they had once been angels and they were trapped in material bodies. And they were quite a bit like Transformers.  And had faces like Marvin the paranoid android. And might have well have said, "It's clobberin' time!"

And the second part belonged to 'The Lord Of The Rings' and the giant rock monsters were like the tree Ents except that they chopped down trees. And men had turned The Garden Of Eden into Mordor. And there was a battle to be fought for the possession of the one boat to rule them all. The Ark.

And the animals did come two by two and they did largely stay in the background to cover up the average digital effects work.

And the deluge did come and nobody was saved except for Noah and his dysfunctional family and Hermione Granger and hard man cockney stowaway Ray Winstone.

And then the third part belonged to horror. And Noah did want to kill Hermione's babies so that there would be no more men to ruin The New Improved Garden Of Eden. And Ray Winstone did want to eat all the animals. And Percy Jackson had the rage because he wasn't allowed to bring any 'wives' on board.

And then there was the final resting of The Ark. And they seemed to be in Ireland or somewhere. And they spent their days on the beach. And Noah had wine from somewhere. And became a drunk. And a tramp. And this was the beginning of a new human race. And Percy Jackson had had enough and went off on his own somewhere. And there was a rainbow. And there was an eco message. And it was done.

And The Moneylenders saw the film and agreed that it was a bit of a shambles but released it anyway. And The Creator saw the film and thought he came out of it quite well so let it pass. And Aronofsky knew he wasn't get any Oscar nominations this time out but was just relieved to have got the thing done to be quite honest.

And then a blogger called shoothescreen saw it and reported:

It's hard to give an impression of what Noah is like to those who haven't seen it because it is simultaneously a wonderful, visionary hallucinogenic trip and irredeemably awful. I liked it when it was at its most stupid and bizarre. I liked the rock angels and the bits that were like a Peter Gabriel video. Whilst I admire the sheer overarching ambition of it I can't forgive the silliness of its worst passages. It needs someone of Crowe's stature to anchor the project, and he's fine,  but I could have done without Hopkins' daft cameo which for all the world is like Rob Brydon doing Tony Hopkins. The all star cast never convince you that they are anything other than an all star cast as they work through lines that could have been scripted in the 1950s. As a silent film it could have been meditative and brilliant but as an earnest, intelligent theological discourse it's as blunt as a billiard ball.  For a spiritual film it's a bit of a downer too. It's entertaining to watch but peculiarly unmoving. I'm glad it was made and I'm glad I saw it. It's great to see effects being used for something other than the destruction of a city. It's great to see Hollywood invest in risky material. It's commendable that it doesn't shy away from some darker turns and it's a wonder that Aronofsky was able to realise his vision at all without studio interference. I personally wish that it had been more provocative, more symbolic and richer in surrealism and mysticism. But maybe that's just my taste. I found this crunched gears every time it settled into standard Hollywood storytelling tropes. It becomes quite ordinary and dull for long stretches of time where it should be crackling with invention and overflowing with images and ideas. It's obvious where it should be oblique. But it is filmmaking on a grand scale. It strives for the impossible and you could say that it both succeeds and fails, on a biblical level. It's wonderful but daft. I can't think how else to describe it.