The Urge To Purge 'The Purge: Anarchy' From My System.

God is dead. Or a chav. Or something.

So immediately after seeing "The Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes' I made the mistake of seeing 'The Purge: Anarchy'. From the sublime to the ridiculous.

'The Dawn Of The Plane Of The Apes' has a hard hitting anti-gun message. The message of this Purge movie seems to be that violence solves everything - whatever your demographic.

The premise is preposterous but simple: For one night a year in America, all crime is legal for 12 hours. Anything goes, including rape and murder.

Now, I have to confess that I have I haven't seen the original but I fancied seeing this one. It seemed to promise an intriguing mash up of horror, sci-fi, allegory and B movie action thrills. That's right up my street. But, oh dear, nobody warned me it was a film made with all the sensibility of Beavis and Butthead. It's so stupid it's offensive.

Feeling disenfranchised? Want to imagine what it would be like if you could take what you want, do what you want and all with no consequence? This is the wish fulfilment fantasy for you.

Or maybe you're filthy rich? Want to stop those chavs breeding or just get your kicks from imagining what you'd like to do to them if you could? Then this is the wish fulfilment fantasy for you.

Maybe you're feeling politically motivated. Maybe you want to really get rid of that ruling elite by blasting them away. This is the wish fulfilment fantasy for you.

Read the Daily Mail? Believe everything you read? Scared of hoodies? Scared of anarachists in masks? Scared of people who look a bit Goth? Scared of people who crick their neck to the side? You're going to shit yourself when you see this.

Think you like horror films? Like to see something that flirts with the idea of being more graphic and challenging and unrelating than anything you can imagine - but is rated 15 and won't be any of those things. Then this is for you too.

The only way this film can work is for the improbable concept to feel credible. But it never does. If such a thing as purge night existed would you set off on car journey at sunset? Characters in this film do. Would you leave your fuck-off Mad Max vehicle unlocked when you parked it? Of course you would. Would you say "I've got a gun!" thus revealing your hiding spot to the rapist with a gun in your apartment. Every time.

Nothing about the concept feels credible, nothing about the execution is credible and frankly the messy socio-political allusions are all over the place. It should at the very least deliver something on the entertainment level. It's a great idea for B movie. It has an exploitation vibe all over it. I have no problem with that, in fact I welcome it, but this film desperately needed some excess to make it darkly entertaining, or at the other extreme, some realistic grit to make it truly frightening. More than that it needs focus to give it some allegorical weight. But this is like 'They Live' directed by 12 year olds.  It's like 'The Last House On The Left' with Scooby Doo involved. It's just rubbish.

The Review Of The Film Of The Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

When 'The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes' was released in 2011 it coincided with rioting on the streets of London and Manchester. It couldn't have been any more prescient. Here we are in 2014 and 'The Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes' is released into a world where an undisciplined militia with casual access to high tech weaponry can shoot a passenger plane out of the sky, and a world in which two mutually antagonistic tribes living uncomfortably side by side escalate their violence to each other. All I'm saying is that if the next film involves nuclear weapons, then I'm building a bunker.

'Rise' was an intelligent blockbuster that was respectful to the franchise and erased all memory of the Tim Burton debacle. It was surely too much to hope that the sequel could improve on it but it has, and then some. The socio-political themes aren't subtext, they're pushed up front but the film never becomes weighty, preachy or boring. It's smart and confident enough to not rely on big explosive set pieces every 10 minutes. It's thoughtful, but not talky, and the quiet spells really ratchet up the tension for when the action kicks in. I can honestly say that this was one of the few times I genuinely felt afraid for the consequences every time a character (human or ape) picked up a gun.  The film may present us with the fan boy wet dream of having apes running around on horseback with machines guns but the anti-gun agenda is palpable at all times.

The human and ape societies are neatly paralleled. It's the human need for power, both literal (in the sense of needing to restore a hydroelectric dam) and metaphorical (as in being the dominant species) that causes this clash. A lesser film would have just run with humans attacking apes for fear of dying out from Simian flu. This presents a more complex scenario as a fragile peace slowly unravels. There are rogue warmongering assholes on both sides but they have valid points of view that support their actions. It is the larger communities motivated by fear, prejudice and hysteria that cause the real damage. The film does make you think about violence. Is it a necessary mechanic for evolution? Are Caesar's actions at the end of the film a necessary evil; is it a new hope or is it a fall? Are the apes in danger of sliding to become more like 'humanity'? Will our worst instincts always win out.  It's heady stuff.

Of course none of it would work convincingly if the SFX weren't up to scratch and they are. The motion capture technology is now at the point where you just accept the apes as actors. So much in this film is communicated just through the subtlest of eye movements and body language. If Andy Serkis fails to get an Oscar nomination for his work here, then there is no movie justice. The rest of the cast are great too. Jason Clarke was an interesting choice for the human lead and he gives an excellent subdued performance as a quietly brave man. I expected Gary Oldman would ham it up or phone it in but I thought he was excellent here; the best thing he's done in ages. Director Matt Reeves doesn't have much more than 'Cloverfield' on his CV but he handles this film assuredly.

If I had to find fault at all, it would be with the lack of strong female characters but I hope this is something any future films might try to take on board. We really deserve to see a female character as strong as Zara from the original series.

Overall 'Dawn Of The Apes' is everything I hoped it would be: thrilling, layered with allegory, emotionally charged and thought provoking. It's effectively the 'Battle For The Planet Apes' (1973) that we should have had all along and one of the very best Apes films ever. I can't imagine where the franchise is heading next but I hope it will be as exhilarating as this.

The 100 Year Old Sociopath Who Climbed Out Of A Window To Enjoy Irresponsible Whimsical Adventures That Left A Trail Of Death And Destruction Behind Him.

What is the film 'The 100 Year Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared' like?

Imagine you are David Bowie and you're strapped into a chair in front of a wall of tv monitors just like  'The Man Who Fell To Earth'.

One of the channels is showing 'Forrest Gump'. Stupid is as stupid does. You know the one -  village idiot gets mixed up with world events and changes our understanding of history. Imagine that but with the village pyromaniac nutter instead.

Another channel is showing the latest BBC Four Scandinavian import. It's about an unlikeable detective who sits in his car a lot and fails to solve anything.

Another shows 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'. But not the film. It's the crappy, short-lived tv series version of it. It's about an unconvincing Swedish biker gang who lose a suitcase of money belonging to a cockney gangster. Where do they come up with these crazy plots?

On another screen there is a repeat of 'Last Of The Summer Wine'. This week the elderly gents try to move a corpse along the rail tracks without anyone noticing. Hilarity ensues.

A documentary about elephants on another channel.

And finally there is the reality show - "Hello, I'm Zany!!!" - full of those eccentric characters you don't see anywhere outside of a creative writing workshop.

It's like watching all of that at the same time. It's a mess of styles but strangely dull.  It has no heart, only just stays the right side of annoying and seemed particularly vacuous for something with literary origins. I haven't read the book but I can safely say to you...read the book instead.