22 Grump Street.

I'm too old for this shit.

'22 Jump Street' marks the point at which me and big screen comedy part company. I mean really, I'm a tolerant guy but you've got to know when you're beaten. I can't even think of the last time I saw an American comedy that was any good - and by 'any good' I mean provides at least a couple of laughs. It's not like I'm reaching for the moon or anything.

I gave this one a go because it's top of the box office charts and I've heard reliable people saying the first one is hilarious.  I shouldn't have bothered.  I didn't laugh once, got a headache from being so annoyed by it and left feeling that I had nothing in common with my fellow man.

Here's a spoiler for you. This is Ice Cube's scary stare face:

I will tell you now that Ice Cube's scary stare face is the funniest thing in the film. I'm not kidding. He plays the chief of police who finds out that one of his officers may have slept with his daughter. He raises his eyebrow and stares. This generated more laughs than anything else in the film. This is the level we're operating on. It makes you long for the nuance and subtlety of a Police Academy film. It makes you reassess Adam Sandler as the obvious heir to Woody Allen. It's that bad.

Look, I don't mind that it's a stupid 'buddy cops get sent back to college' movie. True, that shit was tired even in the 80s and this is exactly the sort of thing you would have found left on the shelves of Blockbuster just before closing time - but - that's fine.

I don't mind that it's the sequel to the remake of a forgotten (and largely unseen in the UK) TV series that wasn't any good in the first place. I don't mind that it looks like TV, is directed like TV, edited like TV and is as disposable as TV.

I don't mind that the two stars (Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum) have no chemistry together. I don't find Jonah Hill funny at all, just a little creepy. A fine actor yes (I loved him in The Wolf Of Wall St) but not a comedian. Channing Tatum is just weird looking, like a chipmunk on steroids and has no sense of comic timing. And it should be all about timing.Their scenes together just come across as drama workshop self indulgence. Rambling on and shouting at each other is not the same as improv. They don't spark off each other and I didn't warm to them. They are not a great duo. I thought they just came across as fake, unfunny and  unlikeable.

I do mind how offensive it all is. By this I don't mean offensive jokes. It's actually surprisingly light on gross-out gags. It's not out to break taboos or hit you with intentional jaw dropping moments. But it is appallingly conservative and predictable in who it targets. Gays are funny (because they're gay), black people are funny (because they pull faces and lose their temper in posh restaurants). Hitting women is funny (especially if you hit them repeatedly for exaggerated effect). Drugs are funny (because everyone is doing them). Fraternity house initiations are funny (bullying rites always are). You know, the usual stuff. That doesn't offend me as such but there's a really unpleasant insincerity and deceitfulness to it all. It's played as 'bromance' and the film has a fairly obvious subtext about two men coming to terms with their homosexuality but crams in as many 'faggot' jokes as it can. The real message of the movie seems to be - conform to white, male, straight  supremacy because being a bigoted, homophobic, misogynist, racist, frat boy asshole is the norm and really cool. 

But worse than any of that, what I really, really hated was the ending. It's an oh so funny 'look how self aware we are' ending in which they rub your face in the fact that this is a piece of shit franchise that will run and run and run. Just before the end credits we are trapped in an endless hall of mirrors of possible Jump Street sequels. It's as if the filmmakers are saying: this is shit, we know it's shit, you know it's shit, but you want  to watch this shit, so we'll keep on making this shit forever and ever and ever. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. The Michael Bay of comedy films. The apocalypse.

World Cup Avoidance #16

Instead of watching Brazil vs Mexico I will be....oh, hang on....I've done these two already. In that case it will have to be 'Looper'.

World Cup Avoidance #15

Instead of watching Belgium battling Algeria, I have been watching 'The Battle Of Algiers'.

World Cup Avoidance #14

Instead of watching the American captain, I will be watching 'Captain America'

World Cup Avoidance #13

Instead of watching the Iranian football revolution, I  am watching a film about the Iranian revolution. Persepolis.

World Cup Avoidance #12

Instead of watching Cristiano Ronaldo, I am watching another 'Cry Baby'

World Cup Avoidance #11

Instead of watching Messi, I will be watching 'Another Fine Mess'.

World Cup Avoidance #10

Tonight, instead of watching Les Bleus, I will be watching Betty Blue.

World Cup Avoidance #9

Instead of watching Ecuador trying to get the jump on Switzerland, I will be watching Steve McQueen trying to jump into Switzerland.

World Cup Avoidance #8

This morning, instead of watching Japan attack the Ivory Coast, I will be watching Godzilla in defence.

World Cup Avoidance #7

Tonight, instead of watching England try to play football against Italy, I will be watching and Englishman trying to solve murders in Turin.

World Cup Avoidance #6

Instead of watching Luis Suarez sit on the bench, I will be watching Tom Hanks sit on a bench.

World Cup Avoidance #5

Today, instead of watching Colombia, I will be watching 'Colombiana'.

World Cup Avoidance #4

Instead of watching Australia, I will be watching 'Australia'.

The gift of sound and vision at Doc/Fest.

Something a bit different this week.

I paid to see three films this week as part of Sheffield Doc/Fest , all of which had a pop music element, all of which were uplifting and all of which I enjoyed.

'Pulp: A Film About Life, Death and Supermarkets' was everything I had hoped it would be; a record of their hometown farewell concert, a eulogy for the "common people" and a testimonial to the band's native city of Sheffield. I guess there's always a thrill from seeing your neighbourhood up on the big screen but it's not easy to capture the character of a place; it takes an outsider's eye. Director Fabian Habich nails it. I thought it was heart-warming without being patronising, quirky without being whimsical, honest without being probing and a film for the fans without being fawning. As with all good things it left me wanting more. Stepping outside afterwards there was a double rainbow over Sheffield. There is no better applause.

'Beyond Clueless' is an excellent film studies essay on the teenage psyche as portrayed through High School movies of the past two decades....or a somewhat random selection of clips in search of a theme...depending on your mileage. I thought it was at its best when the freely associated imagery was allowed to aspire to the condition of music. For my taste Fairuza Balk's narration became too intrusive and distancing. The hipster crowd and media students clearly loved it but I came in with a different set of reference points. My education with this genre begins with John Hughes' films and finishes sometime around 'Clueless' (1995) which is obviously this film's starting point. Most of the footage was fascinating precisely because I'm unfamiliar with the source material. It's always humbling to realise how many films I haven't seen. Let's face, these days I'm more likely to be the parent in one of these films than one of the cool kids. Director Charlie Lyne is sickeningly young, clearly talented and the guy behind the acclaimed Ultra Culture blog. In short I HATE HIM for living my life. The perfectly attuned film score was performed live by the wonderful Summer Camp which was reason to attend in itself. The volume was loud, the band tight and the film fascinating to watch; a great experience.

'How We Used To Live' is a film made entirely from archive footage and is a meditation on how post-war London has stayed the same as much as it has changed. It features an exceptionally evocative score by Pete Wiggs and this was performed live with his Saint Etienne bandmates. The juxtaposition of choice clips, dreamy music and Ian McShane's narration was just perfect. The whole project could so easily have disappeared up it's own hauntological arse but this was never nostalgia for nostalgia's sake. It was relevant and strangely life affirming. Wonderful.

And they were just the ones I could afford/get to. There was also Richard Hawley at Chatsworth and The Crucible has British Sea Power performing their 'Man Of Arran' score tomorrow.

Looking forward to next year's Fest already.

World Cup Avoidance #3

Instead of watching The Netherlands, I am 'Finding Neverland'.

World Cup Avoidance #2

Instead of watching Mexico, I shall be watching 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico'.

World Cup Avoidance #1

Tonight instead of watching Brazil, I will be watching 'Brazil'.

Looper Troopers.

So, I saw two wibbly wobbly timey wimey films this week that were basically the same thing in which everybody dies and nobody dies. Oops, that might have been a spoiler, sorry about that. You'll have to go back in time and shoot me in the head to stop me dropping any more.

The latest X-Men film is based on one of the most revered texts in the comic canon - 'The Days Of Future Past' which is used here as an excuse to do 'X-Men:Generations' and get the entire cast from the franchise up together on screen. For the most part it is great fun and it does a little time travel trick of its own in that it pretty much erases all trace of 'X Men:The Last Stand' from our collective memory, which is a good thing.

In the dystopian future mutants are being exterminated by giant robots that can adapt to the superpowers they encounter and thus wipe out all resistance. It gets us into the action straight away but fails to get us emotionally charged. This future looks like an alien planet or the third Matrix film rather than a believable alternative New York. Instead of being aghast at familiar characters easily slaughtered we're asked to root for a trio of new mutants who are clearly just there as canon fodder. They're pretty lame too. Blink can open portals which is a nice conceit and visually strong but what's with the guy with dreadlocks who has a big lazer gun and the guy whose mutant power seems to be pointing out the bloody obvious - "They've found us!" If this is the last thriving band of heroes then it's no wonder the mutants are doomed.

Fortunately Professor X, Magneto, Wolverine, Halle Berry and Ellen Page are hiding out in the ruins somewhere and have a "crazy but it might just work" plan. Apparently this X-Men holocaust all came to pass because at some point Mystique assassinated Tyrion Lannister. Women! Always mucking up history! What are they like? If only the x-MEN could stop that happening! Wolverine is despatched back to the seventies to destroy a water bed, alert Professor X, stop this chain of events and strut around naked. You'd have thought a better plan would have been to find a mutant with pre-cog powers and give them a kick up the arse, but no, we're going with plan A and so Ellen Page, one of the most capable and bravest actresses of her generation gets to cradle Hugh Jackman's head for the rest of the movie. That's it, that's what she does.

Back in the seventies lava lamps are in, Professor X has hair, Nixon has a conscience, Jennifer Lawrence gets to wear big hats and Wolverine struts around chomping cigars and doing that Eastwood impression thing without anyone pointing out what a total tool he is.  At least we are spared the sight of Magneto in flares.

The quartet of Stewart, McKellen, McAvoy and Fassbender are great and the film mostly works due to them, especially when it gets a bit exposition heavy in the middle. The most interesting new character is Quicksilver who is used well in a prison break set piece but the film feels light on action for a long time afterwards and anyway, is a 'bullet-time' sequence really that impressive in 2014? Back in the day we had Vodka adverts that were as good as this.

Anyhow you know where it's all headed, a big showdown with giant robots, but The Sentinels don't seem to fit right in the seventies.

This is what all powerful drone robots in the seventies look like in the film:

This is what they would actually have looked like:

When Magneto is unleashed the film really comes into its own but I'm not really sure how a mutant ripping up the white house wouldn't start a more destructive future chain of events than one bullet. Never mind, it's all part of the time twisty fun of these sort of films. With so many characters and so many paradoxes the film could have ended up a mess but it's entertaining, it's not stupid and I enjoyed it more than any X-men/Wolverine film since X2.

Another summer, another Tom Cruise mega budget sci-fi action film. The good news is that 'Edge Of Tomorrow' is miles better than last year's 'Oblivion' and probably the best film he has made since 'Minority Report'. It's great!

There's no getting around it - it's 'Groundhog Day' meets 'Starship Troopers'. That's a damn fine blend if you ask me.

It perfectly replicates the feel of playing a video game. You advance a little, try to solve a problem, fail through ineptitude, lack of knowledge or lack of experience and then have to start all over again until you reach the next save point. This essentially is what Cruise's character has to do as he relives each day in the combat zone. 

It helps that his character is a desk monkey with no combat skill who has to learn what to do as the film progresses. It makes it a thrilling ride for us as we have to make sense of this situation with him and you do feel for him as he fucks up again and again and again. It is so much better than just making him a badass from the word go. 

The real badass in this film is Emily Blunt. She was great in 'Looper' and is great in this - holding as much screen time as Tom. She has film star looks yes, but she convinces as a battle hardened warrior who is better than Cruise, better than the men we see around her and able to take the fight to the aliens.

The aliens themselves are a convincing threat: nasty, unknowable and with their own complex hierarchy and strategies. The setting is interesting too. Instead of a distant planet this is a beach conflict on a believable not too distant future Europe. The combat scenes have a 'Saving Private Ryan' intensity to them which could have come across as offensive in this 70th anniversary year of D-Day but it is actually an effective way to make the war zone feel real. It needs to feel real because we spend so much time there. But the threat and fear of death is always present. It stops the film becoming silly or cartoonish. It also helps that director Doug Liman served his apprenticeship on the Bourne films. He knows how to keep things kinetic, brutal and smart.

The FX are top notch too, the detail is rich and this is visually the best looking Sci-Fi film of the decade so far.

The plot is simple, there's no more exposition than there needs to be, no tiresome sub-plots, no heavy handed message - just foot to the floor action. It's great stuff and whenever you think it is going to become repetitive and tiresome it finds a new way to confound your expectations and pep you up by quickly jumping ahead to the next step. It respects the audience. It respects your intelligence. It seems to evolve with you as you come to grips with it.

If I was to fault it at all I would say that the ending does feel a bit anti-climatic. I was expecting some new twist, revelation or paradox that would make me want to watch it again. Unfortunately it does feel like 'game over' and that's it; but that's also exactly what finishing a video game is like. Thematically it is light. There's not much here to discuss afterwards. It's definitely more of an action film than a sci-fi film but even so this is thrilling blockbuster entertainment and probably the best of its type in a long while. The title is rubbish though. Edge of Tomorrow? Meh. Should have gone with 'Live.Die.Repeat'.